So I return on this fine Monday evening after an amazing weekend, with a beautiful boy. I guess things arn't like they use to be... My best friend is back! I LOVE IT. Things with Andrew have been developing so nicely these last few months. I can't help but love him, but I don't expect him to feel the same way, and it doesn't hurt that he doesn't. Sometimes I do wonder if he does, he does things with me that he tells me he doesn't want to do, and only does these things cause he wants me to be his friend. If he is telling the truth then I feel really bad for letting him do things with me. It does bring doubts to my mind though. I do think he is bisexual. I don't think he fully realizes it, and I don't think it will ever be something he is comfortable with, well not now at least.
A year ago I lost his prescence in my life. Adding on to the heartbreak I was already going through. With time those wounds have healed, but a lot of that time was wasted consuming drugs and pushing it all aside and not beginning to deal with it until the fall of last year. I was beginning to accept that he was no longer a part of my life. He called me once after 4 months of not talking to me, and only cause he needed my help. I was unable to help him due to the fact that me and my friends were currently partying and also trashed. After that I never heard from him, ecspecially with the importance of what was discussed in the phone call. A possibility of her being pregnant? An abortion? The end result, and how it all makes him feel. These are things I don't think he's ready to discuess though.
Christina Aguilera's cd came out and on it was the song "Hurt" which opened my eyes in so many ways as to how I treated him as a friend. I was selfishly hurting him to satisfy my own desires. I cared more about how I felt then his own well being. Always feeding him drugs, which pissed his girlfriend off. With my selfishness I pushed him away. The song had made me realize what I had done but it gave me a sense of peace because it was something I was starting to accept was over.
Then one night in the middle of Novemeber after I was smoking some marijuana the phone rang while I was listening to Hurt, and it was Andrew. At first I wanted to ignore it figuring it'd be a few more months before I heard from him again, not really wanting to deal with that drama. But I answered anyways, curious to know what he had to say, being the bitch I am. But he was heart broken, the relationship he had invested so much time and energy into fell apart, and he was alone and he needed his best friend to help him heal his broken heart. I don't think we will ever be more then best friends, whether his feelings change for me or not I will accept what happens for what it is. Whats meant to be is meant to be. He won't break my heart again, because his prescence in my life keeps it together. For that I want to help out in an way I can to make him happy. My mind has been in such a dark state these last two years, losing him as a friend would take away that light he brings in my life. A desolate sun will darken the midnight sky, casting away all of the stars that shine so brightly. He makes me feel like I'm not alone. I've always felt alone, like I've never had that one friend who meant the world to me. This is why above all he is my best friend
He's grown so much in just one year, experienced so much in life that I have experienced aswell. I lost a friend through death and he lost a friend through death aswell. It makes me sad to know he has had to experience some of the things I never wanted him to deal with at his age. I'm glad we are back in eachother's lives so we can continue being great friends and being there for eachother. To a positive future Andrew. You'll never be rid of me now ya bitch!
Coray
