So I return on this fine Monday evening after an amazing weekend, with a beautiful boy. I guess things arn't like they use to be... My best friend is back! I LOVE IT. Things with Andrew have been developing so nicely these last few months. I can't help but love him, but I don't expect him to feel the same way, and it doesn't hurt that he doesn't. Sometimes I do wonder if he does, he does things with me that he tells me he doesn't want to do, and only does these things cause he wants me to be his friend. If he is telling the truth then I feel really bad for letting him do things with me. It does bring doubts to my mind though. I do think he is bisexual. I don't think he fully realizes it, and I don't think it will ever be something he is comfortable with, well not now at least.

A year ago I lost his prescence in my life. Adding on to the heartbreak I was already going through. With time those wounds have healed, but a lot of that time was wasted consuming drugs and pushing it all aside and not beginning to deal with it until the fall of last year. I was beginning to accept that he was no longer a part of my life. He called me once after 4 months of not talking to me, and only cause he needed my help. I was unable to help him due to the fact that me and my friends were currently partying and also trashed. After that I never heard from him, ecspecially with the importance of what was discussed in the phone call. A possibility of her being pregnant? An abortion? The end result, and how it all makes him feel. These are things I don't think he's ready to discuess though.

Christina Aguilera's cd came out and on it was the song "Hurt" which opened my eyes in so many ways as to how I treated him as a friend. I was selfishly hurting him to satisfy my own desires. I cared more about how I felt then his own well being. Always feeding him drugs, which pissed his girlfriend off. With my selfishness I pushed him away. The song had made me realize what I had done but it gave me a sense of peace because it was something I was starting to accept was over.

Then one night in the middle of Novemeber after I was smoking some marijuana the phone rang while I was listening to Hurt, and it was Andrew. At first I wanted to ignore it figuring it'd be a few more months before I heard from him again, not really wanting to deal with that drama. But I answered anyways, curious to know what he had to say, being the bitch I am. But he was heart broken, the relationship he had invested so much time and energy into fell apart, and he was alone and he needed his best friend to help him heal his broken heart. I don't think we will ever be more then best friends, whether his feelings change for me or not I will accept what happens for what it is. Whats meant to be is meant to be. He won't break my heart again, because his prescence in my life keeps it together. For that I want to help out in an way I can to make him happy. My mind has been in such a dark state these last two years, losing him as a friend would take away that light he brings in my life. A desolate sun will darken the midnight sky, casting away all of the stars that shine so brightly. He makes me feel like I'm not alone. I've always felt alone, like I've never had that one friend who meant the world to me. This is why above all he is my best friend



He's grown so much in just one year, experienced so much in life that I have experienced aswell. I lost a friend through death and he lost a friend through death aswell. It makes me sad to know he has had to experience some of the things I never wanted him to deal with at his age. I'm glad we are back in eachother's lives so we can continue being great friends and being there for eachother. To a positive future Andrew. You'll never be rid of me now ya bitch!
Coray

Ok. So I'm smoking again, I ran out of patches and I can't afford them right now... maybe on Wednesday, I also need to find something to supress my appetit, I can't stop eating when I'm not smoking, I already have enough weight I want to loose, quitting smoking is not going to help that. I just got back from the store. When I was there my mother called. She is rather bitchy today, I hate when shes bitchy sooo much. Oh well, it will pass, my brother and his family are coming tonight so she should be fine then. She's probably bitchy cause she's cleaning and just woke up. BLAH.

I want to hang out with Andrew but I don't think it will happen. I get to spend pretty much all day with him tomorrow anyways. If I we don't end up doing anything it won't really matter I never really do anything on the weekends anyways, I keep doing stupid shit and that turns me off from really doing much besides sitting at home and watching anime.

I keep pushing myself further and further away from my friends. They annoy me a lot at times. Well most of them. I just need to focus on other things in my life right now, and a lot of my friends just bring me down and distract me from that. I'm not the person I want to be, but I plan on working on me.

My goal for this weekend is to clean my room and maybe get my bed set up, I need my room cleaned first, I'm in the process of clearing out the clutter that has accumulated and then I'm going to unpack some things that have been packed since I moved back in last March. I've been putting it off since then. I'm not suprised it hasn't gotten done though. Partying every weekend and such will do that to you.
Corey

So another day has gone by. What have I accomplished? Well today has felt like a very productive day for me. I finally got Andrew a job. He's been trying for so long and I pulled some strings and now he's employed. I train him on Saturday.

I haven't had a smoke all day, I really want one, but thats probably cause I smoked a bowl, I tend to crave smokes then but I also get rid of the craving for the feeling of inhaling. I like the smoking aspect. Not the taste or anything else. Just inhaling. I've had the patch on all day. It's sorta working. I haven't caved in yet so thats a bonus.

I don't know what all this means. I've fallen so hard for someone. I loved him so much but then he started dating this girl. Since then the relationship with her has ended, and my own friendship with him is slowly building itself up. She always hated me and pretty much forced me out of his life. I told myself I was over him but since he has come back everything doesn't suck so much. I just don't know why. What does this all mean? And the way he talks to me. I don't know if he does it to just tease me or what. He's told me multiple times that he was in love with me but he just knew it could never work. Whatever happens I just want him to be really happy. He's the most beautiful when he's laughing and smiling. His eyes light up like the dark sky. Anyways I'm rambling. I think were hanging out this weekend and getting intoxicated! ALWAYS FUN! Tis grand.

I usually always have the intent to write in these things but then end up pushing them off because there's things I want to say but never end up saying because I don't want to upset anyone by how I myself actually feel.